Mother’s Day – a day devoted to the mother’s of the world. It’s important to have a day to remember all the hard work mother’s do, but when you’re struggling with infertility it can be a painful reminder of how life hasn’t gone according to plan.
It’s amazing what a difference a year makes. Last year today was filled with lots of heartache and moments of joy. May 2012 was the first Mother’s Day without Dan’s mom. For those that didn’t know I lost my mom in 2002 and now the new mom I “inherited” was also gone. Besides that, we were struggling with infertility. We had experienced our first failed IUI by then and was starting to realize more may need to be done. Needless to say I wasn’t looking forward to that day in May last year.
Honestly, I hadn’t looked forward to Mother’s Day for several years. The whole two weeks leading up to this holiday were filled with commercials, radio stories, and talk about mothers. I’m very grateful for the 20 years I had with my mom, but it was just hard to constantly be reminded that she wasn’t with me.
Then a whole new element was added when we struggled to get pregnant. Now I couldn’t be included in that day as a Mom. I couldn’t be celebrated, because I wasn’t chosen yet to have a child. I’ll admit I became a little bitter last year and definitely wasn’t in the celebrating mood. I remember saying, that the word “mom” apparently didn’t stick with me in any capacity. I was hurting and feeling lost.
Luckily a dear friend asked Dan and I what our plans were for the day. We said we didn’t have any (I think I just wanted to sleep it away with some naps) and she offered we could come over for lunch and celebrate with her husband and parents. I really appreciated the hospitality and knew God was taking care of Dan and I. That morning Dan and I skipped church, because I didn’t think I could handle a whole service on the topic of moms and we grabbed some breakfast (Starbucks and McDonalds) and went to a park. We listened to praise songs and talked. Looking back now I probably missed a really great worship experience at church, but I was too afraid to go. Then we went home for a bit and headed to our friends house.
We had a great meal with some fun stories. We went home and I was thankful for the joy I was able to experience on such a hard day. But at the end of the day I still was grieving. I missed my mom, my mother in-law, and I missed the baby that I didn’t have.
Looking back though I realize how God was taking care of me and working on my heart last May. I wasn’t leaning on him enough and I wasn’t allowing his grace and love to cover my pain.
This Mother’s Day has been different, yet a little similar. Dan and I did our morning breakfast at the park again, but this time we talked about the memories we had with our moms and what things we want to share with our child someday.
I thought about how my mom made fruit shish kabobs as a healthy treat.
Or how she took me ice skating and I always got cheetos and a rootbeer from the vending machines.
She always made every holiday special (one valentines day we wore heart crowns and I had a scavenger hunt to find the hidden hearts).
My mom would always find new things for me to do like finger paint, play the violin, dance, or sing (mainly to Buddy Holly or that theme song from Ghost while we cleaned).
We shared wonderful memories in the car of our mothers and I think that was the best gift I received. Of course we thought of our own bundle of joy today. This Mother’s Day is different because the word, Mom means something new to me. I am able to finally say that “I’m a mom,” or at least I will be at the end of this year. Today has been filled with a little more hope. Dan gave me a precious gift of our sonogram picture in a baby frame. I feel so incredibly blessed this year and grateful for the miracle growing inside of me.
But today still had a little heartache. Not so much for missing the moms I’ve lost, but remembering those that aren’t moms yet. I mourn with those who are still waiting for a child. I know a few people struggling with infertility and even though our prayers have been answered in the way we wanted I haven’t forgotten how hard Mother’s Day can be.
All I can say is God is always there, He loves each and every person who reads this, and he can heal the wounds of infertility.
P.S. For those interested, we are 13 weeks and doing great. Blessed with little sickness and looking forward to our second trimester.